I Feel Free

‘Move on’ is not my word. I never knew how to move on. When I met you I believed that there is something between us that is really special and natural, something magical and I guess you believed it too. It was not love at first sight but gradually we developed a liking for each other and that was quiet natural. I was always very fond of your poems because they had purity and true love and magic and I always felt inferior when I stood before you thinking I have got no special talent. I lacked confidence and self esteem. You instilled that confidence in token of friendship which I thought was love.

Yes the same love which we see in movies coming to life. Which happens to the hero and heroine and without even expressing their feelings to each other they know that they both love each other. I am a girl from this same planet where love appears as what happens in silver screen and inspired from the same story I thought we both love each other. How idiotic I was!

When I heard the news that you are dating another girl I was shocked but the sound was so loud that I was bound to believe them. One day, gathering all my strength I walked up to you and I asked that is it true? You were happy for the news, for the girl you were dating, for the newly found love and your life. I too was happy for you and the only thing that made me upset was, the girl you were dating was not me and the pain this sad news gave me could not be healed from the happiness of your news.

I developed a strong bond with depression and loneliness, cursing myself why on earth did I love you, promising myself that I won’t ever let myself love anyone,threatening myself to not watch those unfaithful and false movies……they don’t match the real life.

We were never seen together after that. I had my loneliness and you had your girl. Then you had a breakup and this was the best thing, the best news for me.

I could not stop myself to talk to you, to soothe you, to be with you because I didn’t hate you as much as I loved you……..love? Yes the same love was coming back again………coming back again? No it was always there; the only difference was, this time it brought happiness just life before.

You were devastated. You were very happy to find me when you needed me the most. You were sorry for ignoring me for the girl and your newly found love.

We were together again and one day my dream came true and we were together……no, not like friends but like lovers. You would write poems for me, for the love and for thanking me.

Gradually the shade of love started getting fainter and fainter. We were in relationship, we still loved each other but now it was very different. I could not identify this LOVE.

Love was dying and we both were trying to save it, to bring it back to life but we were trying individually………not together. Your poems turned to be lifeless and you started constructing a new home of your own dreams. When you would talk you would say, “I will be famous…..I will write poems…….One day you will watch me at the top…….” but where was I in your dreams? I was searching for us in your world but I found only you. You were my world but you would not let me in in your world.

One day you came to me and told me to go away from your life. Why? You never told me and now I don’t even ask you.
I cried and I pleaded to not to do this but you broke my heart…….you smashed it!

I was again in depression and then I confined myself in my room. I would not move around, I would not meet anyone but I would be alone.

But today looking at the slow moving ceiling fan, the walls of my room, my diary, my favorite novels I heard something. I heard that these all things were questioning me. Why am I doing this to myself? Don’t I have any identity?

And I suddenly remembered that I have people in my life who love me more than I have loved you, who would not break my heart like you broke mine.

Now I have moved on. But it has been so long that I am not able to identify myself. For all these years I have only loved you and I have always been thinking of you. Now it’s difficult for me to gain myself back. But it feels good to have myself back, to have my share of life. There is a vacant place now, a hole in my heart but I know time will fill that place and my heart too knows that this place has been reserved for the person who deserves it.

I feel free today. Looking back I see some moments which I have spent with you. Those moments have pain, happiness, joy, tears and smiles. Those moments have some pages of you poetic love letters. I have not burnt them, I have not buried them but today I have let them fly……..fly away from me and I have break the walls of my life which was constructed on your dreams which were never meant to be mine. Today I am free and I have gained myself and my soul. I have learned to move on.

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